Americans and Chinese view dating very differently

2015-08-26  Source:chinadaily.com.cn

Ben and Yang Lidan(Linda) pose for their wedding photo.

Linda and I met a few days after I first arrived in China. I was walking around the English academy which had hired me, introducing myself to my new colleagues, most of whom were Chinese. I entered Linda's classroom, saw her, and immediately felt some interesting and happy emotions. She looked so kind, yet professional. I couldn't stop smiling like a fool. After introducing ourselves and exchanging basic questions, I asked whether she knew anyone who could tutor me in Chinese. She said she could, and agreed to meet outside work.

We sometimes exchanged non-romantic texts in the evening. After a couple weeks, I invited her to my apartment. I was very nervous. Later, I asked if she would consider dating me. She didn't immediately answer, but said she would tell me the next day. I found it very difficult to wait, but wait I did.

This was a cultural difference. In American culture, starting to date someone is not a big, important decision, but I think in Chinese culture it is. Well, she said 'yes,' and so we spent lots of time together, and fell in love. I asked her to marry me about 6 or 7 months later.

We had a Chinese style wedding in Linda's hometown. My parents came, and it was great. It went really well. Everyone was very happy. It was a very fun and interesting experience for me. Very different from a Western style wedding.

But in marriages like any other thing in life, it's not smooth sailing all the time. We have gotten into big disagreements over me not showing emotional support for Linda in the way she wants, and bad feelings can get out of control when there isn't enough understanding or communication. We have survived it by apologizing later and just loving each other and wanting to stay together.

Ben and Yang Lidan(Linda) pose for a photo at Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona, US.

Communication style is hardest to adapt to. Americans are honest and open with our thoughts and feelings, but I think many Chinese tend to not say what they think and remain silent if there's a disagreement. I find this very difficult to accept. I want to communicate more about our differences and disagreements.

Another big thing is having proper expectations. You should expect there to be disagreements and misunderstandings. But you should also expect that those incidents will go away with time, but the love you feel for each other will remain.

Some advice to those dating across cultures: Don't expect it to be easy. Be prepared for problems to crop up but know that love is a universal feeling across cultures, and the difference is in how we show it. When problems arise, be patient and try to keep calm and tolerant of differences, which can seem major at the time, but small when looked back on later.

Americans spend more time dating different people before they get married. Also, in most American marriages, respect is shown by being as open, clear, and honest about thoughts and feelings as possible, and by analyzing and trying to understand disagreements and problems in the relationship.

For many Chinese, however, I think respect is shown in covering up or ignoring disagreements and problems. I have seen some Chinese marriages wherein the two people communicate with each other very little, because they don't want to disagree or argue. In America, those people would probably have gotten divorced or at least formally separated.

The essay is original from a Q&A interview, the editor makes it a first-person story so our audience could read it smoothly.